the Miscreants of the WINDTRACKS Staff Series

TOM BYRNES -staff writer, part time consultant to the Publisher & full time prankster.  OK  Hmmmm.....lets see, where  to start??  I think I'll just throw some tidbits at you and let your imagination run with it. 

According to Tom, these are but a few of his more marketable skills...(resumes  available upon request)....but a word of caution to those interested parties - it resembles an aircraft maintenance manual with a few pages missing & requires assistance from a trained professional.  That nasty little bribery business out of the way........ lets get started.

  • Wrote a celebrated "first out of the box" book on the Ojay trial.
  • Quite the savvy marketing consultant and business planning strategist.  Currently a co-architect in the reinvention of SoloSports Adventure Holidays.
  • Windtracks journalist with a knack for clear, concise, in your  face reporting & commentary style that helped reinforce the integrity that was Windtracks.
  • Windsurfer/Wavesailor with a passion for Baja, fine cigars, premium sipping Tequila & colorful conversation, preferably all in the same sitting and in Baja. 
  • Sophisticated practical joker with a tendency for the perverse and macabre.  Just ask Feeter, Dubock, myself and a host of other victims including (the not such a victim) Ojay.
  • To avoid going out on a "gnarly Gorge day" Tom went the extra mile by purposely dislocating his arm by a very creative, self inflicted, old style Spanish quartering technique he picked up on a recent assignment to South America.  Already in his wetsuit, he dragged himself into the shallows and shouted for help.  So perfectly executed was the ruse that Tom is still missing all the "gnarly Gorge days and a few good ones as well.  His endearing  wife has since picked up the gauntlet and is reported to be still running with it...on Tom's gear....Its her gear now Tom. 
  • Boorishly touts as having a rare prize winning collection of Latvian Reggae toonage which he never fails to drag out at "sociable get-togethers", client presentations & road trips....aaaggghhh! 
  • Is rumored to have made an entire bar full of personal injury lawyers cry as he recounted the loss  of his dog Chip.  He later bought the house a round only to win it back over a disputed double or nothing cheap bar trick with the owner.  Chalk up another blackball.
  • Has been known to do well in amateur spitting contests and holds the record for spontaneous face slaps at the slightest execution of his patented roguish, omnipotent smile.  Well that and his squalid toned introduction - "Good Evening ladies and isn't it a lovely night for poker."
  • Dares to sport a pseudo pencil thin moustache in the new millennium- Now that's bold!              the photo to the right illustrates his casual look & unwaxed hood ornament.
  • Was cited for flagrant, flamboyant abuse of the noun/pronoun "dewed" during a poetry recitation by the Daughters of the American Revolution in Portland.  He and his accomplice Catfish Clay Feeder were less than politely ask to leave after a biological disagreement with the 3 bean salad. "Let them eat cake" he said in disgust as they were escorted to the door. Hours later he was ejected from Jakes Restaurant for balancing a martini glass on his nose while reciting Lewis Carrol's- " YOU ARE OLD, FATHER WILLIAM".  The DAR are still in shock over the whole affair. Jakes, less amused, have put him on "ABSOLUTELY NO GIN" status.
  • Once talked a lost bear down out of a tree....later regretted doing it as he was then chased for 2 miles through the early morning back streets of industrial Portland and finally into the press room of Graphics Arts Center during their Victoria Secret Catalog Run. Police reported later that the bear became distracted by the catalog and fell asleep on a pallet of freshly bound mailers.
  • Has been known to out smart himself during Tequila binges as he engages in complex sophist self debates over current world events. Tom classifies this cerebral skill as superior introspective deduction....I believe his therapist labeled it "a split personality with a cherry on top".  Einstein has a quantum theory on this...and it has also been compared to a perfect mental Klein bottle.  I've got money on a posthumously awarded Nobel Prize just as soon as the judges figure it out.
  • Clubbed a 38 lb. pregnant Salmon with a Streamline Mast base only to be keelhauled several furlongs up river almost drowning him in the process.  The Salmon got away to become the proud mother of about 600. Tom has since repented and now heads a provocative  Portland Salmon support group in his spare time. Tom has quite the propensity for public services.
  • Born with three middle teeth, one was lost to a right cross from Becky Lipowitz during a very misunderstood look & conversation at recess.  Tom buried it with honors under an old oak on the playground and conducted a four hour eulogy to a stupefied crowd of ten, including Becky and the headmaster.  Tom, then only 10, dreamed of being a great Shakespearian orator. He later settled for a career in Marketing after losing a bet with ole man scratch...but that's another story......of biblical proportions of course....complete with Falwellian japery & Faustian faux pas.
  • Brags as to working in the world's smallest office cube while maintaining a position as dept. head of a swank Portland women's high fashion bootery.  His position was later eliminated in favor of a vending machine in the employee break room and hall closet.  In his honor they stock it with Tom's peanut and cracker snacks and adorn the top of the machine with his emp. badge.
  • Co-conspirator and provocateur of the on-going saga entitled "One more Savage Byrne of Baja" a chronicle grab-bag of misadventure & hijinks simmered in that great cast-iron literary stewpot of Clark Merritt's "Long Tales from an Epic Sesh" This newest cast of characters & miscreants include Tom, Clay Feeter, Glenn Dubock, Kevin Trejo, Rudy, Dale, Rodney, Emerita, MC, AJ, Mumsy and Guru Burt Wilson- at large,  and back for their 22nd comeback, the professor and Marianne.  Available just as soon as the ink dries and the check clears.
  • Friend- this confession surely does more to discredit his integrity then any other heinous crime he has either been accused or convicted of.  Ask him and he'll tell you it is only due to the kindness  of strangers and an irrepressible urge to take benevolence off the shelf and back into American culture.
  • All in all it should be noted that you are  way better off having him "workin' for ya, than agin' ya".

If you see Tom out and about...tell him there are management positions available at the Portland Wal-Mart....and I'll be happy to donate a personal reference to help forward his career in a more positive and lucrative direction...just cuz he's a bro.

Clark

 

 

 

 Tom Byrnes

Here is our boy in the  doorway of the now defunct Windtracks Reporter & Photojournalist Club, graciously donated and maintained by Windtracks Publisher Magnate Clay Feeter.

Byrnes now affectionately refers to it as his second Summer home.  Second to none.

 

Byrnes seen here bribing Clay Feeter for a little cash & gear was only moderately successful. Dubock -upper right, had hit him up for everything the night before....It was rumored that they were in Cahoots- a small Midwestern town known for civil war battles that never happened and a disproportionate amount of citizenry with "outees". Glenn later bragged about photos, a petting zoo and enough cashola to buy another EOS 1. Hmmmm..........Now about my $42.00.....